Renegotiating your holiday traditions should be a group effort.
Every Thanksgiving for over a decade, Jen Darnell would pack her kids up and hop on a flight from their home in Argyle, Texas, to meet the rest of her family where they live in Las Vegas. As the season approached each year, she dreaded spending thousands of dollars on flights for herself and her four kids only to contend with tension and bickering once she arrived. “There is some fight of some kind,” Darnell, 40, says. “Always.”
Eight years ago, Darnell had a change of heart. She made a conscious effort to only partake in events or people that brought her peace, she says. This particular tradition didn’t. She sat it out — and continued to skip Las Vegas Thanksgivings thereafter. Instead, Darnell and her kids swap turkey for tacos at a local Mexican restaurant, a less stressful tradition. “It seems harsh, but [for] the last eight years I haven’t celebrated Thanksgiving with my family, I have had the best, most peaceful times,” she says, “with tacos and margaritas.”
The holiday season is prime time for family rituals and customs. From baking and decorating to games and gift-giving, many of these traditions can be unifying and bring back fond memories. “It’s something we can all agree on,” says Alexandra Cromer, a licensed professional counselor from Thriveworks in Richmond, Virginia. “It’s a really stressful world we live in, so having something to look forward to, in the form of a tradition, can help us because it’s something that’s safe, it’s something that’s reliable, and we know it doesn’t change.”
Often, many of these customs become shorthand for the family and are passed down from generation to generation without evaluating their purpose, says licensed marriage and family therapist Mona Eshaiker. However, there may come a point when family members who championed certain rituals die, new partners and children enter the fold, or long-held customs simply don’t serve you any longer and you want to shift the way you celebrate. Broaching the topic can be unsettling for members of your family, so you want to consider their attachments to certain traditions but move forward in a way that feels most authentic for everyone. Here’s what to keep in mind.
When a tradition needs an update
Holiday rituals can fall out of favor for any number of reasons, from the painful to the mundane. Coordinating travel with young kids can make gathering at your out-of-state relative’s house a pain. Maybe singing songs with the entire family lost its sheen when you were 12. Perhaps the gift exchange game your grandfather loved feels too painful to continue after his passing. This year, inflation is making gifting an expensive and potentially stressful endeavor, so continuing a tradition of buying individual presents for every friend could be unfeasible.
Cromer recommends looking at your customs and evaluating whether they’re both healthy and helpful based on what is considered normal for your family or friend circle. (Because what one group considers healthy may differ from another’s.) Even though it may be inconvenient for you to get to your parents’ house for Hanukkah, their place may be the most helpful place due to its central location for most of the family and the fact that they have a big living room where everyone can fit.
When thinking about the upcoming event or tradition, check in with your body and see what feelings and emotions are brought up, says Moe Ari Brown, a licensed marriage and family therapist. Notice if you’re feeling stressed, anxious, or uncomfortable. Is your heart beating fast? Are you dreading the tradition? “That’s a sign that you’re not really wanting to engage in that if there are any of those symptoms,” Brown says.
The cause of your anxiety could be an issue more complicated than simply “I don’t feel like cooking with my family.” For those with relatives who don’t accept your sexuality, your partner, or other aspect of your identity, seeing these people or engaging with their old-school customs may harm you, Eshaiker says. Depending on how safe you feel in the situation, Eshaiker recommends talking to your relative and letting them know how you’d like to be treated. Tell them how their words or actions impact you. Try saying, “It doesn’t make me feel welcome. I don’t know what parts to bring. The world is changing. I think you might be surprised if I’m just myself that things might end up being fine.” If you know this conversation wouldn’t go over well, Eshaiker says to give yourself a time limit of an hour or two of family time and leave.
Think about why the ritual is triggering those bodily reactions — and get specific. It may not be that the potluck-style meal itself upsets you, but the fact that everyone criticizes your cooking after. You could love spending time with family, but get exhausted after only a few hours. Knowing what your exact pain points are can better help you frame a conversation later.
Avoid falling into the trap of obligation, too. Just because a holiday has always been done this way doesn’t mean everyone is enjoying it. If you’re noticing the tradition is causing more stress than it used to and is bringing up more negative feelings than positive, it’s worth reconsidering.
How to talk about changing a tradition with family and friends
Before broaching a conversation with your family, be prepared for a wide range of emotions and responses. Holiday traditions can mean a lot to some members of the group. Brown says to focus on the positive emotions the custom once brought you. Open up the conversation to your family members and ask them their thoughts on changing the ritual. Inviting others into new tradition-building is a way to get everyone on board and excited. Try saying, “I love how our family gift exchange brings us all together, but my finances won’t allow me to buy presents for everyone. How does a White Elephant or Secret Santa where everyone has to bring an item they already own sound to you?” It can be helpful to emphasize that the change doesn’t have to be permanent, but you’d like to see if something else might be more enjoyable for the whole family.
Keep the focus of your concerns on yourself and your experience, Cromer says, by saying something like, “I feel like this tradition has lost its luster,” or, “This tradition is hard for me to participate in,” and explain why. The cost of these events can be a huge factor in whether you’re able and willing to continue, so make that known to your loved ones.
It’s common to fall back into old dynamics when speaking to family members — like parents treating their adult children like little kids — and it can be difficult asking for what you need, but it’s important to set boundaries around the holidays, Eshaiker says. “This is an opportunity for us to show them how to treat us and what’s accepted and normal,” she says.
What to consider when starting a new tradition
As families grow and change, so will the ways you celebrate. If your parents are used to having a big breakfast on holiday mornings but you have your own kids now, take the opportunity to build a new tradition instead of harping on how things have changed, Brown says. Acknowledge how it can be hard for parents to experience these new dynamics while still finding ways to fulfill the positive emotions the tradition brought. “What is it that you always wanted to get from that tradition?” Brown says. “There are ways that you’re able to access that even if you’re not with your [parents].” Maybe you can offer to host the holiday breakfast at your house instead.
Be ready to meet family members halfway. When Darnell began skipping family Thanksgiving, her grandmother was upset. To compromise, she says she visits her and other family members throughout the year.
When suggesting new holiday rituals, think about your audience, Eshaiker says, both in terms of logistics and finances. You might not want to suggest a long day of baking with a group of kids. A lavish warm-weather holiday getaway may not be the best option for a loved one who recently lost their job. Also keep any ideas light and fun since “people have enough going on in their lives,” Eshaiker says.
After the event, you may want to ask for feedback to see if everyone enjoyed the trial tradition, Eshaiker says. “I actually do have a family member who, after they organize something, will literally text us one-on-one and will be like, how was that? Was there anything I could have improved?” she says. “Which feels very business, but I remember really appreciating it.”
Don’t get upset if some family members aren’t jazzed about trying something new. Take that feedback and adjust for next year. Or if you’re really dedicated to your idea, make it a tradition of one. “Maybe we used to have an ugly Christmas sweater party but now that grandpa’s died, everyone else hated it and doesn’t want to have it,” Cromer says. “Maybe I just wear an ugly Christmas sweater being like, ‘Hey, this is a tradition that makes me feel festive.’”
How to manage the emotions that come with changing traditions
Because holiday traditions are rooted in family history and fond memories, some may not be too thrilled about the idea of changing them. Cromer says to expect emotions ranging from anger and blame to sadness and nostalgia. Honor your relatives’ reactions and approach a conversation with curiosity. Ask them what the tradition meant to them and then offer what it meant to you, Brown suggests. What is a compromise that centers those emotions and memories? “It’s important for us to be clear about what our desires are,” Brown says. “So if it’s for connection, joy, love, to really put that at the forefront so that that one member knows … we’re not trying to change all the things you want to keep, it’s really about wanting to connect with you deeper.”
A change in holiday customs may be sad for you, too. This could be a first holiday without a loved one or after a breakup. Acknowledge those feelings; it’s likely you’re not the only one feeling them. This can also bring you and your loved ones closer.
The goal of family rituals is to foster closeness and warmth, not obligation and resentment. Remember to keep the lines of communication open, focus on the feelings you hope to achieve with the tradition, and be open to renegotiation.
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Pelosi’s legacy as speaker is defined by formidable wins on policy including the Affordable Care Act.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who announced she’d step down from leading the House Democrats on Thursday, made history as the first woman to ever hold the position and was a political target — and thorn in the side — of Republicans for the better part of two decades. All that frequently obscured her mastery of her job and her singular skills as a legislator, according to Molly Ball, a Time political correspondent and author of the biography Pelosi.
Pelosi has been central to many of Democrats’ biggest policy wins in recent years. She kept a divided caucus unified to pass landmark bills, including the Affordable Care Act, Dodd-Frank banking reforms, and the American Rescue Plan. She won so many concessions from Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin on Covid-19 relief that he had to be pulled from the talks, according to Ball. And she’s corralled members time and again when the party seemed on the verge of fracturing over their differences.
“Here’s someone who had a 30-year career being the force behind all kinds of major legislation and liberal accomplishments in the House, chief among them the ACA. But when people talked about her, the only thing they seemed to talk about was just how disliked she was,” says Ball of the misconceptions people held of Pelosi when she first began reporting on the speaker.
Ball sat down with Vox to walk through the policy legacy Pelosi leaves, and the unique, historic path she carved for herself.
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Li Zhou
What drew you to writing a book about Pelosi — and what surprised you in the process?
Molly Ball
It was one of my first assignments when I joined Time magazine in 2017. I was not actually super psyched or inspired to write about her. I think, like a lot of people, I had in my mind the caricature of her as this static establishment figure who didn’t seem particularly exciting. And it was only in digging into her backstory that I came to appreciate what a remarkable human being she really is. What surprised me was that the perception of her for so long overshadowed the person that she is, and obscured the reality of her accomplishments.
If you think back to 2017, 2018, Democrats were in the minority and had been since 2010. She was under a lot of pressure, increasingly seen as this ineffective anachronism, this throwback to the past; she was clinging to power, she refused to go away. And there were a lot of Democrats who were agitating for her to move on, saying that because of the way that she’d been vilified by the Republicans, put in all those attack ads, that she was a big political problem for the party.
Here’s someone who had a 30-year career being the force behind all kinds of major legislation and liberal accomplishments in the House, chief among them the Affordable Care Act. But when people talked about her, the only thing they seemed to talk about was just how disliked she was.
And so starting with that piece, I undertook a feminist revision of her image, just making the case that particularly in 2018, which was the year that the Women’s March came to political fruition, there was this huge outpouring of women’s mobilization and women running for office, and women getting involved in politics spurred on by Donald Trump. And so it was fitting, I thought, that it would be that women’s wave that restored the first woman speaker to her historical position, leading the Democrats in the House. And then, Trump went on to make her look good and I think a lot of Democrats really appreciated the qualities she brought to the table.
The things that she’s good at, they’re not necessarily the public-facing things. She’s not a great speechmaker, she doesn’t give inspiring speeches or sweep anybody off their feet. But [she’s really good at] the legislative blocking and tackling. Running the House of Representatives is an incredibly difficult and complicated and specific job. And she seems to have a specific skill set for it that is really rare.
Li Zhou
Can you talk a little bit more about that skill set and what she brings to it that is truly unique?
Molly Ball
First is just managing the caucus, which she makes it look easy, but the Democratic majority is geographically, ideologically, generationally, ethnically diverse in all kinds of ways. And I argue that a lot of the skills that she brings to the table actually come from her background as a housewife and a young mother, when she spent 20 years raising children before she ran for office.
And as a mother of three, myself, I recognize a lot of the techniques that she used to keep those five kids in line. When she gets up in front of the Democratic caucus, the line she always uses is “our diversity is our strength, but our unity is our power.” And I’ve actually used that line on my kids to put their shoes on and get in the minivan.
There’s negotiating with the other side. There’s counting votes, all of these things she’s legendarily good at, and there’s various little tips and tricks that she keeps in her bag. But more than any specific technique, I really came to believe that she just has an incredible understanding of human nature, she just knows each one of her 220-odd members, knows what makes them tick.
Not only does she remember what district they’re from, and what their family is like, and what they care about, and what committees they want to be on, and who they might be feuding with at any given moment in time, and so on and so forth. But she really just understands what motivates people. And so she’s able to put pressure on people when she needs to and ask for favors and give out favors in return. And that’s made her incredibly effective.
Li Zhou
Could you talk about some of the key policies where she was forced to keep a very disparate caucus together, as well as the tactics she used to maintain that unity?
Molly Ball
Obamacare is the big one. And her role in it has been neglected over the years. When President Obama put out his memoir a few years ago, I searched the chapter on Obamacare, and she’s barely mentioned, because so much of the drama on Capitol Hill around passing Obamacare was whether they could get that last vote in the Senate. I think, because she often makes it look easy, people don’t necessarily appreciate how difficult her job is.
But there were times when there were 60 Democratic votes that she had to get off the fence and instead of delegating to a team of whips or whatever, she would just take that list and literally spend all night just sitting up calling her members one by one and letting them talk for as long as they needed to. The therapy sessions or prayer sessions, sometimes, where you just have to let people wear themselves out until they come around to your position.
She knows what’s out there in the universe that she can summon to aid her in these fights. For example, Joe Donnelly was a congressman from Indiana at the time, a conservative Democrat; she needed his vote and she knew that she wasn’t going to get it out of him. But she also knew that he, like her, was a very devout Catholic and she had the president of Notre Dame call him and put pressure on him.
Then there’s this climactic final scene before the House passage where she couldn’t get the Catholic Church to budge on a abortion provision. And so she had to have a long talk with the pro-choice women in the Democratic caucus — some of her most stalwart allies, strong liberal feminists, many of whom had been motivated by the abortion issue to get into politics. And just had to sit there with them over cheeseburgers, I believe, and go over that whip count until they came to the same realization she had, that they were just going to have to suck it up and vote for this thing that they really didn’t like.
Li Zhou
Are there examples of when lawmakers have either challenged her or when you’ve seen her wield power and influence in a way to counter that opposition?
Molly Ball
For the most part, it is certainly the case that people fear her. But she’s like the Catholic mother who just has to give you a look and that’s punishment enough, right?
She doesn’t really punish people because she’d rather keep them on her side for the next thing. So if you do something to cross her, it benefits her more to keep you in the tent owing her something than to punish you and cast you out. Now, there’s certainly exceptions to that. And there have certainly been members who’ve gotten into sort of her permanent doghouse, particularly some of the ones who tried to take her out in 2018. But for the most part, that’s not her style.
Her members know that she’s watching their every move, and that if they do anything without her sanction, they’re going to hear about it from her.
Li Zhou
How have you seen gender affect how Pelosi was treated in Congress and by the media, and just general perceptions people have of her strength as a leader?
Molly Ball
I think people don’t fully appreciate how much she really had to break into the male-dominated Democratic establishment against their will. When she got to Congress in 1987, out of 435 members of the House of Representatives, there were 23 women on both sides of the aisle. And particularly because she was this wealthy housewife from San Francisco, people were inclined to not take her seriously. She seemed almost like a bimbo to some of the older, crustier male members of the House. So she really had to prove herself as a serious legislator and a force to be reckoned with, in order to overcome that.
Pelosi has [also] always been unapologetically feminine. And whether that’s just her wanting to be unapologetically who she is, or whether it is even a sort of disarming tactic, she doesn’t threaten people’s stereotypes of what it means to be a woman. And maybe that makes it easier for them to tolerate a woman in a position of power the way that she is.
Li Zhou
One of the interesting things related to the ACA fight is the comment that Pelosi made about how the president could either get it done or be beloved, but not both. And I was wondering if you could talk about what shaped Pelosi’s thinking about politics in this way, and how you’ve seen her apply it?
Molly Ball
She and Obama both believed from the beginning of that fight that there was a very good chance that they would pay a political price for it, but that it would be worth it, that it was just that important to get health care done.
So she’s willing to pay a political price to get things done, because it’s the results that matter to her. And she ultimately was willing to lose the speakership if it meant that Americans would have health care in perpetuity.
The word that one of her mentors always used for her was “operational.” And I really think that word is the Rosetta Stone to her mindset, because she is always focused on the result, always focused on the goal. And she really is not interested in people’s perceptions. Even when it leads to her being deeply hated by large segments of the electorate.
She just doesn’t view it as material to her goals, as long as she can keep getting reelected in her district, as long as her members of the Democratic caucus support her. And as long as she has the power internally to pass legislation and achieve her goals. That’s what she’s focused on. And the other stuff just seems like noise.
Li Zhou
What are your thoughts on Pelosi’s decision to step down at this moment and how she’s handling this transition of power?
Molly Ball
She’s been thinking about stepping down for a long time, but she hasn’t been able to bring herself to do it. And I think some of her critics might see that as part of her controlling nature. She is someone who likes to be in control of absolutely everything. She was never going to do this on somebody else’s terms.
She didn’t want to feel like she was being forced out. She didn’t want to leave as a loser, basically. And the Democrats did lose the House in this election, and she would be forced from the speakership, whether she wanted to or not. But I think because the result was so much better for Democrats than anybody expected, and because the nature of the result was seen as a repudiation of some of what she views as the most toxic aspects of the contemporary Republican Party — I think she drew great satisfaction from that and was able to view it as almost leaving on a victorious note.
When I interviewed her, when I spoke with her [Thursday], immediately after her floor speech, she did talk about the election as if it had been a victory.
She still isn’t leaving Congress, so I think she’s had a really hard time letting go. Something that one of her former aides said to me once, that I’ve also seen as a key to her personality, was, “Everything she does is motivated by a combination of obligation and entitlement.”
And I don’t necessarily mean entitlement in a bad way. It’s like a confidence where she looks around and she says, “Well, somebody has to do this.” And then she doesn’t see anyone else that she thinks can do it. And so it falls to her. And so she can’t quite walk away. So she’s halfway there. We’ll see if she gets there over the next couple of years.
COP27, the climate change meeting in Egypt, finally got a deal on one of the most critical outstanding issues.
The latest round of United Nations climate talks closed in the early morning hours on Sunday, November 20 in Sharm el-Sheikh, Egypt, overshooting their Friday deadline but finally reaching an agreement on the thorniest outstanding issue: paying for climate change damages.
The meeting, known as COP27, ended with an agreement to create a fund to compensate less wealthy countries already suffering destruction stemming from rising average temperatures. The meeting also secured more commitments to cut methane pollution and a renewed, desperate call to keep the planet from warming more than 1.5 degrees Celsius (2.7 degrees Fahrenheit), one of the targets of the 2015 Paris climate agreement. (COP27 stands for the 27th Conference of Parties to the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change.)
“We have literally exhausted all of our efforts here at COP27 to bring home the climate action commitments our vulnerable people desperately need,” said Molwyn Joseph, chair of the Alliance of Small Island States, a group representing 39 island countries at the meeting, in a statement. “Today, the international community has restored global faith in this critical process that is dedicated to ensuring no one is left behind.”
But the agreement, called the Sharm el-Sheikh Implementation Plan, only secured tepid language around limiting the causes of climate change, namely burning fossil fuels. And critical details about how countries are expected to meet their commitments were left unresolved.
More than 35,000 people from every country in the world gathered at the two-week meeting to take this tiny step forward, but it was hard-fought, and the challenge remains in putting all the promises made into action.
History was made today at #COP27 in Sharm El-Sheikh as parties agreed to the establishment of a long-awaited loss and damage fund for assisting developing countries that are particularly vulnerable to the adverse effects of climate change. pic.twitter.com/spmWVUjTva
— COP27 (@COP27P) November 20, 2022
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